Among The Meanings

The only thing stays constant is change, we all have heard of that (if you haven't, now you have). It's as clear as if you're pointing at a tree and telling someone, "it's a tree". But yet seeing that my life is about to change still creeps the hell out of my shivering bones. I know for a fact that many things would change sooner or later, but often my heart gets attached too quickly to certain moments that leaving them would cost me tears or/and uneasy feelings, which sometimes last longer than my mind allowed.

Somewhere along my life journey, a month after my 25th birthday, I decided to have my own adress and move into a new place (which I, by the way, feeling very much comfortable in). Everybody who has at least once moved to a new place in their lives knows this last breath they take while looking around the old place, as if the moments ever happened in that place were playing on rewind in their heads. That's the corner where I once spilled the coffee, that's where I put my flower vase, that's where I usually sat looking at them, that's where I gather my ideas, that's the spot where I executed them, that's the spot where I pray, that's this and that's that and those are now what they call memories. The room felt so small without my life in it, not to mention the emptiness. It was a sacred place where I pour my emotions so that they won't eat me alive until one day, it just became a meaningless space. 

Then I understood that, I have been carrying the meaning with me all this time. I gave meaning to everything I ever used or touched. A chair would be just a wooden figure until I sat on it just like a kitchen would be a set of stove and cabinets until I cook in it. It feels magical to see meanings in objects I see, life seems to have more to offer. But, what about the objects I don't see? Like, feelings, for instance. I guess it is a challenge I should take.

Giving meanings is much about giving feelings so that giving meaning to feelings actually equals to giving feelings to feelings. It's difficult to avoid being heedless in such peril. In the pursue of giving meanings, many have failed and turned mad. That, in other words: to understand something sometimes feels like having responsibility. 

It occured to me, "how did I get here?" Here, as in, in this place, on this bed, in this particular time, situation and feelings; in this state of balance between hunger and fullness. Some invisible force works mysteriously around you and me and on some very rare days where I am lucky enough to be able to set my heart open, I'd be granted the awareness to work on my responsibilities and see what I normally wouldn't see. Oh how I long for more days like this.