Restless Mid-20

I’ve officially lost count on how many times have I tried to find a decent sentence to start this post. One of reasons to it is maybe because my teachers have talked too much about writing techniques, that there has to be an understandable flowing transition from sentence to sentence, paragraph to paragraph, which makes me think a lot more before I write anything. As one hell of an easily distracted person, that sure is quite a big deal for me.

I guess I have just finally come to realize that I just have to write things down, no matter how shitty this post is gonna be then. It sure is much better than having so many words, emotions, and thoughts bouncing inside my head all at once for one more day.

With all my heart, I really hate to admit to myself that I am currently facing a self-crisis, in which I have to be trapped inside deadly routines and postpone a little while again to do what Maslow believed, and what i agree, as human’s main need to be internally alive; self-actualizing. But come to think of it again, I have not even sure yet of the concrete steps I have to make in order to actualize myself, or to live at all for that matter... Or maybe i have?

Like anyone else who is in a down-phase of life, I selfishly think that I have more obstacles in life than most of my friends have. I also selfishly think that I have to obtain more rewards in the end for what I have done. Sure I was wrong. Everyone else has their own despairing down-phase, to which we have no right to compare, as everyone’s level of tolerance and point of views are different from one another.

But why does it seem that as I grow and see more and more patterns of differences, I find that my kind of pattern is the most different and that it barely has place in the society we live in? I am insecure, very much frightened, and I feel like I don’t belong anywhere except if I become someone I am not, someone who has the same pattern like the most of the societies have, or close to. 

I very am sure that there’s a very strong invisible force that compulsively moves us all into one certain direction and influence not only our activities, what we should do, where we should go, and how we should think and shape our minds, but also, to the utmost, where we should lay our faiths on. Go look for some certain things in life! Get into the best university! Get a stable career! Gain a lot of money! Settle down and have kids! And one day, lay down on the bed waiting for death while thinking, “I should have become a drummer”. It kind of got me thinking, what if Freddy Mercury was stuck in engineering studies, or if Tesla was told to be a painter. Bohemian Rhapsody would never be sung, electricity might postpone to develop, or not at all.

It is a truly saddening fact that even more people decided to leave their ideals in order to fit into majority, no matter how it means that they have to accept definitions and norms which sometimes are illogical and very much subjective. Come to think of it again, the beauty of life probably lies in its uncertainties and diverse. So, are not this force I have mentioned above precisely limiting and slowly ruining the beauty of life itself, instead of making it better?

That being said, I must admit that I lately find it harder than ever to simply live in the present and be grateful of whatever that comes, as the nowness and everything I have now don’t seem to give me hopes. I often find myself worrying too much about what I have done, and what I have not done, what I have become, what I should become, and what I shouldn’t worry a bit about. Is it just a phase to become mature, means that everyone else also thinks the same way behind those happy Instagram feeds, or am I simply having issues with myself?

But after all, I think I can say that I am lucky enough to have some friends and a very nice significant other with whom I can discuss and share my restlessness. With all the helps they didn’t realize they give through our sharing-opinions, I guess I have come to a conclusion, or I would like to assume that I have come to a conclusion, that there is only one thing and one thing only to do right now; to put myself in a moment so silent that the only voice I can hear is the sound of my soul, and, again and again I keep saying, to have some faith that there is so much more to life than all the banalities of our everyday lives.

With all these moments i am currently having, i can blatantly be sure that even if the meaning of life is to struggle, it must be a struggle in a tug of war because, quoting Sarah Kay, even though you’ve won, you still end up with muddy knees and burns on your hands.